I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just want to make out with him forever
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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