Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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