I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
MIDGETS
????
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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