Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
