he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
