I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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