If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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