Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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