wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
