I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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