If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
