I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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