i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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