so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
