ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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