Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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