well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
