I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
