he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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