I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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