I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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