After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
