my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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