I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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