this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize