This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize