The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
