Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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