Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
