Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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