I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
