The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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