you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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