you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
