guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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