What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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