anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
