I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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