i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
