My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
