I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
