I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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