nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
