My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
