I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
