I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
