don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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