Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
