This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
