my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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