my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
