I seem to have left my pride at pride
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
