i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
