yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
