i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
