We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
