Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
