birth control should be required to get into college
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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