He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
