took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
