i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
