how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
