i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Did I show you my penis last night?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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