im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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